she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
