News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
