girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
