I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
