Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Couch. On fire.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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