So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
