Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
