some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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