i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
