you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
