i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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