Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
