Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
