Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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