John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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