oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
