I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
