Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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