my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
