she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
