Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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