I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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