haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she peed on how many people?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
