It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
