how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
