I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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