my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
