"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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