Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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