Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
