There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
