rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
