man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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