Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
