just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
