put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
