I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
