Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
