A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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