Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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