Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
