Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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