like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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