Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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