We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
