so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
please come you make the beer taste better
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
