Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
