I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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