What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
