i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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